Ghosting: What it is and Why it hurts

Today, I came upon an article on the Cosmopolitan section of Snapchat discover that chronicled the story of a girl who was “ghosted” by her friend Jennifer.

Since I have been “ghosted” more than once, and it doesn’t hurt any less each time, I decided to enlighten you on what ghosting is and the serious impact it can have on an individual’s self esteem and level of trust.

So… What exactly is “ghosting”?

Well, the formal definition is: the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone without an explanation. 

Primarily, this phenomenon occurs in a dating situation. However, it also does occur in friendships and can, for many reasons, be more hurtful when applied to them.

Here are some of the reasons why friendship ghosting can make a more negative impact than dating ghosting.

1. The person that has ghosted you is most likely someone you have known for a long time, probably five years or more. It’s someone who is extremely important to you, someone who you have shared secrets, failures, triumphs, and memories with. Without hesitation, they just threw it away like it was nothing. For anyone, that’s pretty hard to grasp.
2. Not knowing where you stand with someone, especially someone you deeply respect and value,  is heartbreaking.
3. Boyfriends/Girlfriends are replaceable. But just friends? Not at all.
4. You feel taken advantage of by someone who, when becoming your friend, made an unwritten promise to be there for you through thick and thin. That promise was broken.
5. Most times, these people are individuals who proclaimed they would “never leave you”

Ghosting isn’t fun stuff. In fact, it’s the complete opposite of fun. For people with mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, this is a very common part of life.

Of course, I’m not putting “ghosting” in a box- it can happen to people that do not suffer from mental illnesses. It can happen to anyone.

Yet, I would like to shed some light on why it happens more often with people that suffer from these illnesses.

When something is wrong with another person, something that causes that person to be irrationally sad, angry, heartbroken, depressed, anxious… Others get terrified. They cannot possibly comprehend that someone can be sad all the time or anxious all the time. This causes them great stress. They run away from what they don’t understand. They run away from the situation. The friend with the mental illness, desperate for love and acceptance, does not understand why someone would leave another in their time of need. They go into an even deeper depression… and the consequences are lifelong.

This has happened to me many times and still happens to me constantly. I have lost more friends than I could count because of depression. Bonds that I never thought would break, broke. It’s heartbreaking.  Now for some acknowledgements…

To some of my ghosters, 

I would never name names on this blog, except to say something positive or to further inspire/share my story. In that sense, you are lucky. I could expose you to my readers… some of my readers know you, some of them don’t. Some of you ghosters may have decided to take an interest in my life long enough to read this blog post… And if you are reading this, you know who you are. 

Don’t do what you did to me to anyone else. Don’t walk away from someone for something they can’t control. It’s not right. How about if having blonde hair was a travesty, something we would look down on people for… Would you walk away from all the blonde-haired individuals in your life? Of course not. If you wouldn’t walk away from them, you shouldn’t walk away from someone with a mental illness. Think of the golden rule. I highly doubt you would want someone to leave you. 

Think about what I’m saying before you leave anyone else. It’s important to feel valued and loved. I know that for a fact. Don’t deprive someone else of that liberty.

Life is a big collection of lessons, and maybe being a “ghoster” is something that you regret. If it is, I already have forgiven you. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be sitting here on this website, writing so openly and honestly about this topic. I wouldn’t know how to deal with or comprehend the consequences. I thank you for showing me pain. The pain you have shown me has enabled me to come out the stronger person. I’m still looking for the right people to share my life with. People are still leaving me right at this very moment. If you’re reading this, you also know who you are. Don’t become a ghoster. If I’ve let you into my life and trusted you after all I have gone through… You have something special.  Don’t compromise your values of acceptance that you have so generously shown me. If you have a question about what I deal with, ask me. If it’s overwhelming sometimes, tell me. I know how overwhelming it is- I deal with it internally and externally. 

Don’t be afraid. Be open and honest with yourself. Be open and honest with me. Be open and honest with others. You don’t have to be a contributor to a mental illness… but you can be a contributor to the awareness of them. 

– Olivia 

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Thank you for reading my first advice post. It means the world to me.  If you are an adult, explain the concept of ghosting to your children, and encourage them to get their friend the help they need and stay by their side instead of leaving them behind. If you are a peer of mine, look up ghosting on Google. I was inspired to write this post because of Snapchat Discover. There are many videos on Youtube that explain ghosting in all of it’s forms. Watch one and educate yourself.

One person at a time, we can make this world more sensitive and aware.

Stay tuned for my post tomorrow… Tomorrow is National Suicide Awareness Day. As someone with depression this is a day I hold very close to my heart.

Thank you again and God Bless all of you!