Keepers

I have always been a firm believer in being a keeper for others, even though life is often a very individual journey.

Our lives are ours, yes. We are own people, we go about our days independently, fighting our own battles and demons, trying to mask whatever we are going through for the sake of those we hold dear to us.

Yet, I have realized that in life, even though people can hurt us, there is more harm than healing when you try to go through it alone.

We have all been, whether we know it or not, a keeper for someone else. Whether that person is a child that looks up to you, a child that is your own, an acquaintance in a coffee shop, a close friend, or a member of your family, there has been a time where someone has confided in you, has trusted you to see them and to love them. That trust is an honor, and it should not be taken lightly.

I have found myself in the position of a keeper multiple times, and every time has taught me an irreplaceable lesson about the world, and most importantly, about myself.

Though this, I have learned that sometimes you are meant to be someone’s keeper for a long time and sometimes you leave their life just as quickly as you enter it, but the few days, weeks, and months that you made an impact will stay with that person for longer than you know.

I have also learned that being a keeper has nothing to do with age. There have been times where people older than me have been my keepers. They have given me their valuable insight and wisdom that can only be obtained through life experience.

Yet, some of the most significant keepers in my life have been younger than me. I have been profoundly changed by the humor, kindness, and blind faith/love of multiple children, and for that I am so very blessed. Every child I have come in contact with has taught me something and even though not all of them have taken on the role of keeper, they are individuals I am proud to have known.

We have the opportunity to be a keeper on the daily. In the event we ask someone how their day is going or how their family is, we are giving them the opportunity to make us their keeper. Even when we do something as small as smiling at another person, we are giving them the opportunity to trust us, to let us into their lives.

Seek to be a keeper. We aren’t meant to go through this life and experience the complexities without an army by our side.

The “10 Year” Challenge

Lately, Facebook and Instagram has been littered with pictures of the “10 year challenge” where people show how they looked 10 years ago versus how they look now.

It’s quite interesting really, because the concept, though intriguing, is so superficial.

It is based off looks, off of the external. People comment that they have lost weight, gained weight, changed their hair, fashion sense… etc.

And yes, those are indications of change in a person. But changes runs far deeper than that.

When I look at the last 10 years and how much I have changed, I of course look at the physical aspects of myself. But those aren’t the things that actually matter in the long run.

Over the last 10 years, I have grown from a preteen to a young woman. I have gone through the tail end of middle school as well as high school and college in its entirety. I have gained amazing people. I have also lost people I thought would be in my life forever. I have matured, and in that maturation I have recognized my flaws as well as acknowledging my strengths. I have become a stronger person while simultaneously becoming more vulnerable.

Life has been hard. I have had my fair share of painful days and dark moments. Yet, I have also had moments where I have seen the light and have realized that it is all going to be okay.

There is so much more to the “10 year challenge” for me then acknowledging the fact that I was naive 12 year old who looked and acted far younger than I do today.

Change in a person runs far deeper than the physical aspects. We grow far more from a mental and spiritual perspective than we ever could physically. Every day, we have an opportunity to evolve emotionally, to widen our world view and open ourselves up to new ideas and opportunities.

I am not the person I was 10 years ago and I am proud of that. The person I was 10 years ago had no idea where she was going. She knew she made an impact, but she didn’t know the depth of that impact. The person I was 10 years ago should not only be defined by the frizzy hair and stereotypical preteen fashion. The entirety of my 10 year challenge, of my growth as a person over the last decade, is known only by me. And that is something I am 110 percent okay with.

I’m okay with this because I acknowledge that little victories are seldom celebrated. We don’t usually get a pat on the back for the little mountains we climb. I may not be on the top of Mount Everest, but I am allowing myself to evolve on the daily.

That is what the “10 year challenge” should really, in hindsight, be about. Allowing ourselves to grow is so very important, and so is rejecting the notion that change is skin deep. With age, we figure so many things out. Every moment and every person in our lives has the opportunity to teach us something valuable. We need to be open to those lessons.

Kicking Myself: A Reflection

It has been a while since I blogged, and a lot has happened.

I worked very hard and graduated from a prestigious four-year university. I never thought, with all the odds stacked against me, that I would ever get there. Walking across that stage and receiving that diploma was the single most liberating and rewarding moment of my life. My heart couldn’t have been bigger and I can’t even fathom being prouder of myself even if I tried.

Yet, I still kick myself.

You are probably reading those words and thinking that you must have seen that wrong. You are probably thinking, “how on earth could someone who has accomplished what she has be kicking themselves?”

A little girl I love very much said it best.

One day, I was with her and she said:

“By not doing what you love to do you are crushing your dreams.”

As harsh as that seemed at the moment and as much as it caught me off guard, I realized she was right.

For as long as I can remember, my dream, my mission in this life has been to help people, to profoundly impact as many people as I can before I leave this earth. When I was at the ripe age of 18, I remember going into college with the same mission, dreaming of a job as a pediatric surgeon, which combined my love for children and helping people seamlessly.

Yet, college brought about a lot of moments… a lot of hard moments where I had to evaluate if my personal well-being or a career in medicine was more important.

I, of course, chose my personal well-being. I chose to sacrifice the hospital scrubs for a degree in English. I chose to focus on not only my academic pursuits, but on my relationships with others, my self-growth… my personal pursuits.

I have grown exponentially. I have grown stronger and more self-aware than I could have possibly ever envisioned myself being. I have rid myself of toxic people and have made room for some of the best people that my life has ever given me. I have become cognizant of my worth and of my vigor. I have not sacrificed who I am, nor have I changed my values for anyone. I am proud of the person I have become, and I thank the four-year institution I was fortunate enough to attend every single day for the person that it has forged me into.

However, know what I know now,

I still kick myself.

I kick myself for not knowing my strength earlier. Because if I had, I would be applying for medical school instead of scrambling to figure out how I could possibly pursue a career in nursing.

My passion has always been the same. I kick myself for not knowing that. I kick myself for not standing by what I knew I wanted, even when it got a little hard.

I kick myself for not sticking with pre-med, every single day.

And I encourage anyone who is going to college and that knows without a doubt what they want to do to never ever give up on that passion. If it is something you have dreamed of your whole life, you obviously want it.

You are intelligent.

You are capable.

You are strong,

and you can do it.

I wish someone told me that.

I wish I had someone to tell me all of that. 

The past is where you learned the lesson. The future is where you apply the lesson.

I learned it. And I will apply it.

 

 

Why I Picked Suicide Prevention As My Birthday Fundraiser

It was a Tuesday, and I got a message on my Facebook when I opened the app on my phone:

“Good morning, Olivia! Your birthday is coming up… Would you like to start a fundraiser?” 

I clicked on it, naturally curious, and saw the options littered on the page. There were so many foundations, and as I looked through, nothing felt right.

Then, I saw the option for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I have never clicked something faster.

---

 

My reasoning for picking this foundation is complicated. I could sugarcoat this post and say that I have had no personal connection to depression or suicide, but that would not be the truth.

My family has personally been impacted by suicide, and I have personally been impacted by depression.

People who don’t know me well may shake their head in disbelief when they hear my name and depression in the same sentence. Friends who do not know the extent of my life story would be bewildered. The children that treasure “Liv, their babysitter” would not even be able to wrap their head around the fact that I have ever felt hopeless or sad.

Yet, me putting on a smile has never been with the intent of hiding my struggle. My smile has been put on with the intent of allowing others not to struggle. I have made every day about helping other people because I know firsthand what it is like to feel alone in a crowded room, and I want to make sure that no one in my life ever feels that way.

---

 

Depression and suicide are not talked about enough. And unfortunately, more often than not, it takes a loss of a life to get the conversation started. That should not be the case. Having these tough conversations with your friends, with your families, with your CHILDREN is one of the key components of suicide prevention.

I chose this foundation not only because I am personally connected to it. I chose this foundation because this cause is important, because human lives are important, and just because you can’t see someone physically deteriorating doesn’t mean they aren’t mentally deteriorating.

I also chose this foundation because suicide causes universal pain. Whether you have known the person for five minutes or five years, there is a lingering question,

What could I have done? 

The other day, I got a text message from a friend that donated to my fundraiser. It read,

“Heartbreaking news that a girl killed herself here today in her room.”

My world, for a moment, stopped.

I replied back the only thing I could even fathom saying,

“Are you okay?”

and he responded,

“Physically of course. Mentally, I didn’t even know that girl but to know that someone’s life was so awful that she felt she had to do that is so unbelievably horrible… no one should ever have to feel like that. It’s not fair…”

and then he went on to say,

“I’m just glad that you recognize that so much and that you did what you did for your birthday, because it was really important. I’m glad I had the opportunity to donate.” 

And that right there is the main reason I chose this foundation. I chose this foundation to start a conversation. To get people thinking… and most importantly, to make a difference and reassure people that they aren’t alone.

---

 

To all who donated to my fundraiser, thank you. Your contribution is directly impacting the Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Your donation is allowing awareness to be spread and resources to be given to those who desperately need it.

Please don’t let this be the end of the conversation. Suicide, unfortunately, will most likely never go away and there will always be some extent of a problem. But if we can save at least one life by being kind or speaking out.. it is truly worth it.

Finding My Passion (Realizing that it was always right in front of me)

We have always been told,

“Find your passion. Live it, love it, breathe it, and spend every moment of your life cultivating it.”

And for a long time, I didn’t know what my passion was. I went down many different avenues, trying to figure it out. I thought it was the medical field, I thought it was writing. I thought it was theatre, I thought it was singing. I wandered around aimlessly, trying to conceptualize what I was most passionate about and how I could land myself in a career/life path that truly allowed me to live in that passion every single day.

I have grown, over time, increasingly frustrated, thinking,

“How on earth don’t I know what my passion is yet? How can I even go through life as a 21 year old young adult without ANY clue?”

Then, I realized that I have every clue in the world.

I have always known what I was passionate about, what has driven me.

Yet, since it was something that came so second-nature to me, I never gave it a thought.

It came so natural to me, it was so easy… that I didn’t even consider it a talent, a gift, or a passion…  I just considered it a part of my daily life. In hindsight, though… that is what a passion is, right?

I’ve figured out that my passion was right in front of me, and it has been for years. Yet, I was so busy chasing everything else to be able to reflect on what was so very obvious.

My passion is kids. Being there for kids, being a role model for kids, being with kids on a daily basis and making them smile, making them laugh, giving them a new perspective all while still allowing them to grow.

When we are asked to look for our passion, we are asked to think about what puts a smile on our faces. For me, nothing makes me smile more than knowing I have made a difference in a kid’s life, that I have made them feel a little more confident, a little more heard. Nothing makes me smile than receiving a hug from a child that I know loves me, for children know who loves them and who invests in them, and they treat those people accordingly. Children are our future, and it is our duty as the “older” ones to cultivate their dreams, show them wrong from right, and to love them unconditionally. I am not a mother, and I love children that aren’t my own with all of my heart. I cannot even begin to imagine how I will feel about my own children if I love those who are not my blood so fiercely.

I know now that the only measure of success is your happiness, for if you aren’t happy in your job but making a lot of money, are you even measuring success correctly? I consider every time a child takes something I tell them and applies it to their life a success. I consider every smile I receive from a child as a victory. I may not have a “career” with children just yet, but I have made being the best role model possible my full-time job for a long time… and that is a job I take pretty seriously.

I don’t know where this passion will lead me. I don’t know if this passion for children and being with them and helping them daily will take me down the nursing route, the children’s author route, the teacher route. Yet, now that I truly know that being around kids and making a difference in their lives is what makes me the happiest, I will take every step possible to assure that I am in a career that fosters my largest passion. 

Note that I say my largest passion.  I have many passions, many things that I love and that make me happy. Yet, my real, grand passion is children. It is important to recognize that although we may have many passions, there is usually one that surpasses the rest.

Finding your passion may seem difficult. I never thought I truly would find mine. Yet, anyone who knows me knows how passionate I am about being a role model and putting a smile on a child’s face. Sometimes, our passions are what comes most natural to us. We just have to dig a little deeper and look a little harder.

“Sometimes, life just doesn’t go as planned.”

I said this to a little boy who means a lot to me a few weeks ago.

He wanted to do something, but due to the hecticness of our day, it just didn’t end up happening. When I said this to him, I presented it in the sense that, “yes… sometimes, life just doesn’t go according to our plan… but we always have the chance to take the new plan that we are given and make the most of it.”

He looked at me thoughtfully, said “ok”, and ended the conversation.

I didn’t know the words had any impact on him until we were sitting in his living room, and he said to his mother,

“It’s okay mom, like Liv said, sometimes life just doesn’t go as planned!” 

I smile when I think of that moment, for it is a moment where I knew I said the right thing, gave a child some life advice that they will *hopefully* remember for a while… that life doesn’t always go exactly how we want it to, but that’s okay. 

Yet, I also smile because I think of all of the things in my life that haven’t gone according to plan…and how they have ultimately been some of the best things that I have been encountered with.  I decided to write my first blog post back about this notion, for it is a notion that is so central to every person that reads my writing.

We all have a plan for our lives. Whether we shout it to the world or keep it quiet, well all have some sort of an idea, some pre-conceived notion of how we want our lives to turn out, of who we want to be there when our dreams come true. As much as ambition is great, and forward thinking is great, putting such high expectations on our lives? That isn’t so great.

When we enter this world, we aren’t given a rulebook. We aren’t given a step-by-step guide to life- there is no specific chapter on how to deal with friends, how to deal with family, how to deal with loss, love, failure. How we deal with life, how we deal with the things in life that aren’t planned… that is so crucial to our personal development.

Having a concrete plan binds us. If every aspect of our day, of our week, of our month, is planned… something goes wrong, and we go into fight mode. What on earth are we supposed to do if god forbid, the kid’s bus didn’t get here on time, if we get a flat tire, if a meeting is cancelled? When you have a concrete plan for every aspect of your life, those things can throw you off track.  Those little things, that are so minuscule in the long run, have the potential to ruin our day if we are too invested in a routine, in perfection.  Truly living in the present is loving your life and embracing all of the little things that can shift our days into a different direction with a smile and a “I can do this”. 

 

 

---

 

I for one thank the universe every day for giving me things that I never planned on having. There are people in my life right now that I never thought would be present. If you told me a year ago that certain people would be important to me in October 2017, I probably wouldn’t believe them. Yet, here I am, close to people I never expected to be close to, bonded to and making a difference in people’s lives that I never expected. And that is so unbelievably awesome. I never planned to have the bonds I do, and that is what makes those bonds even more special.

As much as I gained people that I never planned on gaining, I also lost people that I never planned on losing. There is pain in that, but there is also so much gratitude in that– sometimes, we plan for people to play roles in our lives for the long-haul that don’t suit them. Although we plan on some people staying forever, they don’t. Yet, there is so much power in knowing that when one door closes, another opens… and that the relationships that you least expect have the potential to be the best in your life. Not every loss is a loss. 

There are true blessings in disguise. Life not going according to plan? That offers a multitude of blessings. It offers a chance to shift our perspective.  It gives us an opportunity to cherish those near to us, for when the relationships are unexpected… they are the ones we tend to hold the tightest.

Life has a way of giving us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it… even if it isn’t a part of the “grander plan”. 

If I have learned anything in the last year, I have learned to embrace life, embrace the people you love, embrace the obstacles, embrace the fact that

“Sometimes, life just doesn’t go as planned.”

I’m back!

Hi Everyone, and Happy Tuesday!

When I started writing this blog in 2016, I envisioned keeping up with it. I really, really did. It was my true intention to keep this blog alive, to keep the dialogue active. But, of course, as it sometimes does, life got in the way.

The last time I wrote on this blog was in August of 2016. More than a year ago.  And wow… I sure did miss it. Blogging offered me an outlet, a voice, somewhere I could go to inspire people far beyond the constraints of my Facebook/Twitter/Instagram feeds. Many of you, I only see on social media, even though I know you.

Life, again, is busy. If I can’t physically be there to inspire you in person,  I can only hope I can be there to inspire you in spirit.

Coming back to this blog has been a thought in my head for a while. I am so glad that I am finally following my gut and returning to something I love so much.

To all of the people who still follow this blog, thank you SO much! Your readership is what inspired me to keep on writing in the first place.

To all of you reading this for the first time… welcome. I can’t wait to start this journey once again with new people at my side.

 

I am so excited to blog again, and I am hoping you are excited right along with me!

 

– Olivia 

The future… A reflection.

Hi everyone, and happy Wednesday. 

---

Today, I am going to talk about the future, and how much it absolutely terrifies me.
This is something I truly don’t like to talk about. I delay every conversation about it, avoiding even the thought like the plague.
It’s not healthy that I’m so afraid of something. It’s a fear that, if you asked me, I wouldn’t even know I had. My two biggest fears have always been loss and needles- and if prompted, those are the fears I have always shared.

---

But my fear of the future runs far deeper than that of needles or loss. I am terrified of what the future holds. This future? It could be as close as tomorrow. Yet I’m still terrified of it. Why? Well, the answer is simple.
It is completely unknown. 

No one knows what the future holds, or what kind of future they will have. That’s what terrifies me, shakes me to the very core.

The future is a little easier when you are a child. Responsibilities are slim.

The summer ends simply with just the next grade in school.

Transitioning from learning addition/subtraction to learning multiplication/division.

From kindergarten to elementary school to middle school.

Your parents can still hold your hand,  catch you when you fall. You can still escape to your room, believe in fairytales, and wake up the next day with minimal worries.

The biggest monsters are those under your bed. The biggest task is making said bed, getting good marks in school, and being kind.

You aren’t fending for yourself. Bills, a job, and long-term commitment is not only far away, it is also irrelevant.

I am not a child anymore. I am a 20 year old young woman, who will be graduating college in two years.

A job? That’s pretty relevant to me. Long-term commitment? Not so far away anymore. It doesn’t help that I’m not the biggest “college person”, that it’s just not my thing. I am not counting down the days excited to go back… I’m counting down the days, in a sense, dreading going back. I’m a homebody, who loves being close to my family. Some kids can’t wait to get out the door every August- I could wait forever. Once this year is over, I’ll only have one year left. Then, I’ll be in the real world. A world of 9-5, bills, commitment.  Commitment is a scary thing- especially for a 20-something who barely knows the meaning of the word. I used to think I knew everything. But the truth? I know nothing at all when it comes down to what it takes to be an adult. That’s what scares me so much- the unknown, the mystery, the chance that I may just not measure up to the expectations that I have for myself. But again, fears aside, summer doesn’t last forever. And in a little more than 2 weeks I have to go and face reality. And with a faithful heart, I will move forward into the future… Try and look past all negative emotions and look to the goal of success, happiness and love. 
-Olivia 

 

Sometimes, the most unexpected things change your life… A reflection on last week.

Hi everyone, and happy Thursday.

I know this is not a normal, scheduled blog post (let’s be honest though, what is scheduled anymore), but I feel as it is essential to share with you my experience this week and how it changed my life for the better.

 

---

 

This week, I volunteered at Camp Jinka for the second year in a row- a camp founded by my father’s good friend Judy for children who have been impacted in any way, shape, or form by brain cancer. The camp provides a safe, supportive environment for the children to heal through art and the bonds that they form. I for one can say that I never expected that Camp Jinka would change my life the way that it has.

But, that’s what is so great about life, isn’t it? The things that we don’t expect have the potential to alter our lives, forever.

You may be wondering how one week could completely alter my life. Well, let’s start with the main thing.

The people at Camp Jinka are by far the most genuine people I have ever met. 

From the minute you walk into the doors the first day to the minute you leave the last day, all you feel is support and love. The volunteers have become like family, and the campers are remarkable young men and women who have experienced hardships that I cannot even begin to fathom. Cancer is a terrible, terrible thing. It takes so much out of a person, a family, a community. When I look at these campers, all who have either lost someone close to cancer or who have had cancer themselves, I am in awe of them. They are smiling and laughing, despite all of their struggles. I can’t help but feel a bit selfish. I look at myself, with my, compared to theirs, minuscule problems. And I see my annoyance, my anger, the negative outlook I sometimes hold because, more often than not, life just isn’t fair. 

But these kids? Their lives have been more than just “not fair”. They have watched their loved ones deteriorate because of a vicious, vicious disease. They have spent more time in hospitals in their short lives, either with their loved ones because of their own situations, than I have in 20 years. They are tough. They are the definition of tough, resilient, kindhearted young men and women. They have taken hardships on with a smile… And that’s why I believe Camp Jinka was so life-changing for me. Camp Jinka showed me that even in the toughest of situations, healing is possible. Love is possible. 

Hope. Is. Possible. 

In this world, with all of the mass terrorism and injustice, we need a place like Camp Jinka. We need people like the people who go to Camp Jinka. There is something special about individuals who have gone through hardships. As one of the campers at Camp Jinka wrote on one of her art pieces, 

“Cancer changes people. It sculpts us into someone who understands more deeply, hurts more often, appreciates more quickly, cries more easily, hopes more desperately, loves more openly, and lives more passionately” 

I would write a closing, but that sums it up perfectly. 

Hardships change people, and banding together with people who have experienced unimaginable hardships… It changes you . It makes you better. 

Let life change you. 
-Olivia 

On Faith.

Hi everyone, and happy Tuesday.

Again, I apologize for not blogging as often- life just gets in the way sometimes, especially in the summer. 

Today I want to talk about faith.

It doesn’t matter if you have a sense of spirituality or not… It doesn’t matter if you are Catholic, Christian, Presbyterian, Jewish, Lutheran, Muslim, etc… everyone has faith in something, whether it be a family member, friend, teacher… We have faith in things when we don’t believe someone/something will do any wrong by us- and if they do, that wrongdoing happened for a reason, to teach us… to enlighten us.

We have faith that somehow, that person or the situations surrounding them will not let us down.

Unfortunately, more often than not, we are mistaken.

---

 

I was baptized as a Roman Catholic. I went to a Catholic school through my middle and high school years. Throughout those years, I gained a strong sense of my religion and continued to strengthen my faith, willingly, beyond my confirmation . I have found through observation that not many young adults consider it “cool” to openly profess their faith… Whatever it may be. I have always been taught to express what I believe in, and express it proudly. I am very spiritual. I may not go to church every Sunday, but I believe there is a Lord up there I am supposed to be serving and I aim to do so through my character and the example that I set for the young people in my life. However, in my darkest days, I lost my faith in the Lord and stopped believing. 
Why. That’s probably what you would ask if we were talking about this in person . 

Let me explain. 
In my darkest days, when my depression and anxiety was constant and hard-hitting, I truly felt defeated. 

I couldn’t help but think, through all my pain, 

If there was a God up there who really really loved me, why is he putting me through so much? There can’t be a Lord because no Lord would put his people through such anguish. 

I became bitter. I became someone who expected the worst. I stopped praying. I stopped looking for the light. Because before the light was God, and I just wasn’t believing anymore. 
When things go wrong and dark feelings plague you, you do lose faith. You don’t always have to lose faith in a Lord. You can lose faith in the people in your life- as much as they can tell you one thing, circumstances may make you believe differently. You can lose faith in the world, you can lose faith that things will get better … I didn’t think things ever would get better .  I was in a deep depression for six years and after a while I really didn’t think God was going to help me – I didn’t think God was on my side and I thought I was going to be crippled by sadness forever. But then I came to a revelation : 

If I stop believing in happiness, in things getting better, how are they going to? They aren’t -nothing can get better if I don’t believe they will.

That’s when I realized how important my faith is to me- I let go of something extremely important to me because life wasn’t going my way and that was one of my biggest mistakes . 
Keep faith when life isn’t going your way- it could be in the Lord, in a person … Just keep it. Don’t let circumstances cloud your beliefs- let them strengthen them instead. 

–Olivia